That’s my wiper

In the studio tonight, the sports people were talking sports. Bit of a stretch, I know, but we encourage them to extend their interests and pursuits as far as possible. There is, and I don’t know if you know this, a football game this weekend. I understand it has captivated the attention of many advertisers, and appetizer connoisseurs. Big game, so they talked about it on the big talk show. They had props.

It promises to be a compelling matchup for a change. That’s the consensus opinion, though the “for a change” phrase might be a bit more singular. Perhaps the game will be more intriguing than the commercials which have underperformed of their own accord in the last few years.

Think about those young viewers. They don’t watch TV anymore. The biggest TV event of the year, a cultural touchstone unto itself and the youths don’t get to see properly creative creative.

I wonder if AI will come to ad agencies’ rescue one day. I wonder if they’ve already written an absurd ending to the Super Bowl. We’re probably due another one of those.

Eagles by two scores.

At the Chick-fil-A drive thru on Saturday — we get lunch there on Saturdays, it’s a whole thing — we found ourselves behind a car with a wiper on the rear window. I held forth on the point and purpose of the rear window wiper. Once, when I was young and full of promise, it was important to be able to demonstrate an ability to talk at moderate length on any given topic.

You want five minutes on soybeans? I can give you seven minutes on soybeans. Here’s the outline.

  • The soybean is a legume native to East Asia
  • Edible bean with many uses like soy milk, soy sauce, tempeh
  • Cheap source of protein for animal feed
  • Flowering is triggered by day length
  • Bees like them because they are high in sugar content
  • The fruit grows in clusters of three to five
  • One of the top staple foods in terms of major nutrients
  • Brazil produces more soybeans than us, but no one else does
  • The Dakotas, Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, Missouri and Illinois are our top producers
  • Research suggests there’s a slight health benefit to soy consumption
  • Soybeans, as a topic, was where it started. Do you know a topic? Can you sell your topic? Can you make a metaphor from it? Can you sell the metaphor?

    I was never an extemporaneous speaker. I was barely a prepared speaker, but I like to learn and be prepared for the extemporaneous things. It seldom comes up, but at some level, it’s a decent enough party trick. (But if you do it frequently, you’ll be in the sad lonely corner of the party.)

    At any rate, I set out, in that drive thru line on Saturday, to see if I could do a few minutes on the rear window wiper. Turns out I could.

    But!

    This evening, in the parking deck, I saw this, and realized the entire argument was just right here.

    If I ever find myself driving something that requires a rear window wiper, I’m going to Wipertags. One extravagance deserves another, I suppose.

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