Oh her sleep schedule is all wacky — mine isn’t much better, having inverted a bit so we could spend a little time catching up — but The Yankee managed to stay awake long enough to watch the latest installment in the Twilight series. (I refuse to call it a saga. There should be more acting from the main player for such a description.)
This is what I wrote on Twitter. Here’s the archive from the first, horrible, horrible movie. Here’s the second, also bad, movie.
It should be noted that I only go so I can make fun of them on Twitter. The Yankee says they are funny — which is encouragement enough, but they’ve become a big hit on my Twitter stream in general. For these people I am suffering. Here’s the newest movie:
The Rave is showing Eclipse on four screens. The room is full for the early evening showing. More guys than the last two installments.
Edward: You’re worried what people will think? Bella: Ugh. I date a VamPIRE. Gosh.
Everyone in this movie is better when Edward and Bella aren’t in the shot.
Jacob is now America’s most clean cut bad boy.
Jacob is a worse teen poet than even Bella.
Edward has never threatened Bella. Jacob has too many hormones. Must be the HGH.
Look at Bella, bringing werewolves and vampires together to protect her. Talk about needy.
Know what this movie needs? Starship Troopers.
Edward: After a few decades everyone you know will be dead; problem solved. He’s such a smoothie.
What we’ve learned: Don’t punch a werewolf, they have an iron jaw.
Meanwhile, back at the tastefully decorated Ikea-model home of the vampires, jealousy is brewing.
See, Bella is 18. She knows what she wants. For an eternity. This should make us all feel for our parents for when we were teens.
Why is there a five-year-old in a movie about vampires, werewolves and quasi-promiscuous teenagers?
The wolves and vamps must form an uneasy alliance and train together. Smart wolves would let the vamps tire and attack!
Bella: How can I help? Jasper: Your stank will distract the newborns.
Jasper’s origin story: vampire armies were common in the Civil War era South. See that Abe Lincoln vampire slayer book? Synergy!
Bella, on “the talk”: Dad, Edward is … old school. He just breaks into your house and watches me snore.
The middle aged woman sitting to our left just told herself not to cry. Good grief.
The newborn army, whatever they are called, look like Abercrombie and Fitch ads.
Who needs teams? Edward and Jacob are … bonding?
Ooooh, this went sideways. Edward made Bella mad and Jacob must SMASH! But not before a smooch.
Bella is … of questionable moral fiber.
Now it is on, the Throw Down for the Heart Sound. Only in America.
Victoria needs some Robitussin. Tussin for Victoria.
The Volturi are bad because they walk in slow motion.
See, there’s the abstinence theme with a subtle bigamy undertone taking place here.
Edward: There’s no rush. Bella: I’ve chosen my unlife. I want to start unliving it.
Bella: I’ve always felt out of step. Like I wasn’t normal. That’s what social awkwardness does to some, unfortunately.
They lifted the score from a jewelry commercial, just so you know.
People halfheartedly clapped. They seem ashamed.
In the final analysis, this movie was the best of the series so far but in no way justifies the utter dreck of the first two.
I liked, based on this movie, everything that doesn’t involve Bella. The backstories, the rivalry, all interesting. Bella-Jacob, don’t care.
Bella-Edward, care even less. The central character is dragging this down. Ironic that the human is the most wooden of all.
And I am not interested in the vampire or werewolf genres. The setting remains beautiful. They’ve done that right throughout.
It has so far achieved 4.3 stars out of 10 on IMDB and 52 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s about right. Eclipse isn’t terrible, but is easily forgettable. I can only hope the follow-up makes more unfortunate turns for the entertainment value.
If only they’d gotten it right the first time …
