{"id":573880100,"date":"2010-07-01T22:55:42","date_gmt":"2010-07-02T03:55:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kennysmith.org\/wordpress\/?p=573880100"},"modified":"2010-07-04T15:21:57","modified_gmt":"2010-07-04T20:21:57","slug":"twilight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kennysmith.org\/wordpress\/blog\/2010\/07\/01\/twilight\/","title":{"rendered":"Twilight"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh her sleep schedule is all wacky — mine isn’t much better, having inverted a bit so we could spend a little time catching up — but The Yankee managed to stay awake long enough to watch the latest installment in the Twilight series. (I refuse to call it a saga. There should be more acting from the main player for such a description.)<\/p>\n

This is what I wrote on Twitter<\/a>. Here’s the archive from the first, horrible, horrible movie<\/a>. Here’s the second, also bad, movie<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It should be noted that I only go so I can make fun of them on Twitter<\/a>. The Yankee says they are funny — which is encouragement enough, but they’ve become\u00a0 a big hit on my Twitter stream<\/a> in general. For these people I am suffering. Here’s the newest movie:<\/p>\n

The Rave is showing Eclipse<\/a> on four screens. The room is full for the early evening showing. More guys than the last two installments.<\/p>\n

Edward: You’re worried what people will think? Bella: Ugh. I date a VamPIRE. Gosh.<\/p>\n

Everyone in this movie is better when Edward and Bella aren’t in the shot.<\/p>\n

Jacob is now America’s most clean cut bad boy.<\/p>\n

Jacob is a worse teen poet than even Bella.<\/p>\n

Edward has never threatened Bella. Jacob has too many hormones. Must be the HGH.<\/p>\n

Look at Bella, bringing werewolves and vampires together to protect her. Talk about needy.<\/p>\n

Know what this movie needs? Starship Troopers.<\/p>\n

Edward: After a few decades everyone you know will be dead; problem solved. He’s such a smoothie.<\/p>\n

What we’ve learned: Don’t punch a werewolf, they have an iron jaw.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, back at the tastefully decorated Ikea-model home of the vampires, jealousy is brewing.<\/p>\n

See, Bella is 18. She knows what she wants. For an eternity. This should make us all feel for our parents for when we were teens.<\/p>\n

Why is there a five-year-old in a movie about vampires, werewolves and quasi-promiscuous teenagers?<\/p>\n

The wolves and vamps must form an uneasy alliance and train together. Smart wolves would let the vamps tire and attack!<\/p>\n

Bella: How can I help? Jasper: Your stank will distract the newborns.<\/p>\n

Jasper’s origin story: vampire armies were common in the Civil War era South. See that Abe Lincoln vampire slayer book<\/a>? Synergy!<\/p>\n

Bella, on “the talk”: Dad, Edward is … old school. He just breaks into your house and watches me snore.<\/p>\n

The middle aged woman sitting to our left just told herself not to cry. Good grief.<\/p>\n

The newborn army, whatever they are called, look like Abercrombie and Fitch ads.<\/p>\n

Who needs teams? Edward and Jacob are … bonding?<\/p>\n

Ooooh, this went sideways. Edward made Bella mad and Jacob must SMASH! But not before a smooch.<\/p>\n

Bella is … of questionable moral fiber.<\/p>\n

Now it is on, the Throw Down for the Heart Sound. Only in America.<\/p>\n

Victoria needs some Robitussin. Tussin for Victoria.<\/p>\n

The Volturi are bad because they walk in slow motion.<\/p>\n

See, there’s the abstinence theme with a subtle bigamy undertone taking place here.<\/p>\n

Edward: There’s no rush. Bella: I’ve chosen my unlife. I want to start unliving it.<\/p>\n

Bella: I’ve always felt out of step. Like I wasn’t normal. That’s what social awkwardness does to some, unfortunately.<\/p>\n

They lifted the score from a jewelry commercial, just so you know.<\/p>\n

People halfheartedly clapped. They seem ashamed.<\/p>\n

In the final analysis, this movie was the best of the series so far but in no way justifies the utter dreck of the first two.<\/p>\n

I liked, based on this movie, everything that doesn’t involve Bella. The backstories, the rivalry, all interesting. Bella-Jacob, don’t care.<\/p>\n

Bella-Edward, care even less. The central character is dragging this down. Ironic that the human is the most wooden of all.<\/p>\n

And I am not interested in the vampire or werewolf genres. The setting remains beautiful. They’ve done that right throughout.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It has so far achieved 4.3 stars out of 10 on IMDB and 52 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s about right. Eclipse isn’t terrible, but is easily forgettable. I can only hope the follow-up makes more unfortunate turns for the entertainment value.<\/p>\n

If only they’d gotten it right the first time …<\/p>\n

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